By Tara Livingston
When you hear that an experienced sex surrogate partner is inviting you to learn about intimacy, compassion and sensual caring, what does that really mean? What is a sex surrogate?
By definition a sexual surrogate, or surrogate partner, is a professional who helps clients overcome sexual dysfunction. Most surrogates are women, a few are men and there are also married couples that practice surrogacy together. The general term of sexual surrogacy can involve varying levels of practice. Some surrogates work at counseling centers while others have their own office. Some surrogates offer additional services besides surrogacy such as telephone counseling or sexological bodywork.
The majority of surrogates you meet will have a strong educational background and legitimate credentials, dealing with sexuality, psychology and counseling. Surrogates should always be certified in their practices; this allows them to work closely with psychiatrists, psychologists, sexologists and therapists in the best interests of the client.
[Note: Throughout this text, the client is referred to as male. Though single men do make up the majority of surrogate clients, there are also female clients and married couples who seek out surrogacy solutions together.]
Indeed, there is a science to help sexual dysfunction. The cure is beyond just listening to a client’s problems, beyond explaining the solutions, and certainly beyond sexual intimacy. A skilled sex surrogate knows that a combination of all three factors–that is talking, listening and demonstration–are necessary to truly help resolve a client’s sexual problems beyond just a quick counseling session.
What kind of specific problems are we talking about? While a surrogate deals with many different types of cases in a year’s time, there are many typical problems that come up. Some are psychological; men may have trouble with intimacy, a lack of confidence, communication problems with women in general, dating anxiety and sexual inhibitions. Others are physical dysfunctions that require more particular treatment, such as impotence, premature ejaculation, or an assortment of diseases that could cause painful intercourse. Sometimes there are people who have experienced a change in lifestyle due to a disability, and a surrogate can help them explore and develop sexual potential. The term of sexual dysfunction is very broad and what methods a surrogate might use to help improve sexual function are just as varied. Simply put, treatments must be decided upon on an individual basis by a therapist. What can cure one person of a particular sexual phobia might not help someone else. Surrogates know this and therefore must have very adept social and interpersonal skills.
This is why surrogates work closely with sex therapists. Since many sexual problems are psychological rather than physical, communication pays a key role in the process. Not only between lovers, not only between a client and his sex surrogate, but also between the surrogate and the therapist.
What does it mean when expressions like “personal contact”, “sensual caring” and “adult advice” are used? Do sexual surrogates become sexually acquainted with their clients? How is it that sexual surrogacy differs from sexual advice or even “sex coaching?”
First of all, sexual surrogacy is not just about sex as a device. If you try and meet a certified surrogate and fictionalize a sexual problem just for your own entertainment, you’re not going to get very far. Sexual surrogacy is about sexual, physical and psychological health. Remember that surrogates work closely with therapists or psychologists, ensuring that the problem is corrected and that the client makes significant progress. Instead of providing a man with a date, as would an escort agency, a surrogate would help men improve their social and dating skills, if the therapist agreed there was a problem. But surrogacy is not a sex business–it’s a field of study, a professional practice, a source of sexual education.
On the other hand, sexual surrogacy would be more intense than just regular sexual coaching. Usually coaching, or other forms of adult advice, offers only head knowledge with no real resolution of the client’s problem. Frankly, coaching seems appropriate for clients that just like to talk and are not quite ready to take appropriate steps to fix the problem. A sex surrogate, in accordance with a qualified therapist, would offer therapeutic exercises to help the client. This might include showing relaxation techniques, intimate communication, teaching social skills, and some sexual touching if the surrogate and therapist feel it’s necessary.
In short, a sex surrogate is someone who helps people with their sexual problems. They don’t just lend a sympathetic ear. They take action to help their clients through various sexual problems and restore a person’s natural sex life to where it should be. They do this with help from a therapist, and of course, with help from the client who truly wants to make a change in his life and puts forth the effort to make those changes.
Tara Livingston has been a certified sex surrogate and sex educator in Los Angeles for the past 20 years. She received her training from Dr. Barbara Roberts, one of the original surrogates who worked with Masters and Johnson, sexual pioneers of the 20th century.
Ms.Livingston is a familiar face on the public speaking tour. Her main theme is the presentation of clear, unbiased information about sexuality, dispelling shame and guilt often associated with sexuality.
Her education includes an undergraduate degree in Psychology and post-graduate work at Antioch University. In addition, she earned her certification as a sex educator from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Sexuality in San Fransisco.
She has been certified as a sex surrogate by two training organizations, The Center for Social and Sensory Learning and the International Professional Surrogates Association.
In addition, she is a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Teachers, and the Scientific Study of Sexuality.
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